What I Can't Say to anyone but my BFF's

**** Disclaimer: the opinion here is mine and mine alone

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I have posted on here before about my family-in-laws, and how irresponsible I think that they are, hey give me a break the Blog is titled "The World as I See It". Well they have gone and done it again, several times over since I last posted.
Let me recap, in the summer of 2006, they lost a baby to anacephaley, and did not get any genetic counseling before they tried to get pregnant again. In December of 2006, I found out I was pregnant with Gnat, by January of 2007 they were pregnant too.
Now these in-laws are 10 years younger than I, they did not go on to any kind of secondary school, and the husband, my BIL works for his father. I was so excited that we were pregnant together, she was not, she was excited that they were pregnant but more so at the prospect of having a baby. In April when we were finding out the gender of our baby, they found out that their baby had something wrong with her. By June they found out she was a girl, and that some of her insides were forming on the outsides. In July when Nat was born (naturally) they came and visited us in the hospital and told me that they could not wait to meet their baby "Princess" two weeks later she arrived 2 months early. Princess, ended up having shortened bowel syndrome and was in the hospital for the first 5 months of her life. Fast forward a year and she is on the organ donor list in need of a small bowel. Now I say all of this and I seem really cold hearted to the fact that they lost a baby and now had a baby with a ton of health issues, but I am not cold hearted, in fact quite the opposite. I love Princess, she and Gnat are best cousin buddies, I just resent the fact that SIL does not work, yet complains and tries to get rid of her kids every chance she gets, but acts the part of a martyr when she talks about all the struggles they have had with Princess.
Anyway back to my post, in February of 2009, they got the call that a small bowel was available and that they needed to hot foot it up to Chi-Town to get Princess prepped. In deed it was a match, and that was great, but here I go again, another baby had to die in order for Princess to live.
Princess's transplant went well and she was home by April, at which time they were pregnant again. They were living at my mother in laws, they had lost their house because they could not pay for it (SIL always wanted a newer house), they were driving vehicles that belonged to my FIL and my MIL and now she still was not working.
Fast forward still, we had baby Danger Hawk in July, I started a new job in September and they had Baby Fat Cheeks in December. Meanwhile they were getting anxious to move out of MIL's house, so I suggested public housing to myself, um yeah that was shot down like a lead balloon, in my head! Well some dumb sucker offered them a newly remodeled 3BR ranch house for contract for deed. They got a house last April, complete with cable tv. But still she is not working. Over the summer my kids and I would walk to their house so that the Bestie Cousins could play.
Fast forward again to November, and they get the call that they have just been awarded a Make a Wish and Princess wants to go to see the Disney Princesses. They also won a Christmas wish from a local radio station. Ok, I am not denying that it is hard having lost a child, and having a child who needs constant medical attention, but every chance SIL gets she throws that up in everyone's face. Everyone here in town thinks that they are so special because they have lost so much. No one realizes that they set themselves up for this: #1 by getting married so young and having such and outlandish wedding 25K, #2 by not getting genetic testing after the several mis-carriages she had before loosing the baby, #3 by mooching off DAD and MOM, #4 letting everyone think that by having a sick kid that means you can't work.
Fast forward to this week, they are getting ready to leave for their trip. Princess is 3 what is she going to remember about this? What about all the germs on the plane, in the hotel, and in the actual theme park? She was actually just in the hospital with a compromised immune system a few weeks ago.
Well I hope they have fun, I hope that one day they realize what they are doing and how wrong it is to those of us who know the whole truth.

I Found Him

I have not posted in almost a year and here I am feeling sorry for myself so I decided that I needed to post a secret that has been the bane of my existence for a couple of weeks. I found "my Baby Daddy" on Facebook. I was bored one night and was holding a sleeping kid and surfing and lurking on Facebook. This surfing and lurking thing has become a past time for me, as I like to see how the other half lives; anyway I typed in his name in the Friend Box and searched. The search netted me over 75 people to look through, and then I saw a familiar face, holding a kid. Oh shit, I thought, no I take that back I thought a whole bunch of stuff, but oh shit works. I clicked on his name and I could view his page but he did not have much activity, so then I searched his friends and found his brother, and then I saw the baby. Myka is her name, I do not know how old she is or who her Mama is, but I had these feelings.
I felt like I was sneaking around on my very loving and very wonderful husband, I felt shame that I have made it almost, albeit in the age of computers not totally, impossible for him to see his son, I felt sad because there are some grandparents out there who will never get to enjoy Eddy Haskel and all of his antics, and then I felt angry because of what he did to me. So for the past few weeks I have been internalizing all of these feelings and it is not fair to my new family that I am acting this way. Have I deprived my own kid, by not letting him know that I know where his dad is? Will my Eddy go out looking for him someday? Will Baby Myka know that she has an awesome half brother out there somewhere? Has the "Baby Daddy" changed?
All of these questions weigh heavily on my conscience and I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had never met him nor gotten pregnant at such a young age. I believe in some sort of destiny, but what if?... What if..
So as I keep on lurking I am thankful that I have a husband who is not abusive, who loves me, and appreciates me.
But now I know he is out there and I wonder if he has found me yet?

Listening to the sound of silence

Crabby Patty is giving me the silent treatment right now and it is wonderful. She is interfering with my parenting style and I let her know that I did not appreciate it, therefore my phone has not rung in 72 hours. It has been pure bliss. When Crabby Patty finds nothing wrong with the fact that I do indeed have three kids; that I am not raising them 'her' way; and that it is 2010 and kids are different than they were even 30 short years ago, she calls me all the time. She calls to tell me about so and so down the street, she calls to tell me about her horse who won the race, or about what my dad did. She calls all the time when she is not mad at me, right now she must be mad at me, because I am listening to the sound of silence.

Hair (not the musical)

I teach special education. Some days I am rewarded with students who know the answer, some days I am rewarded when a student comes to school, and some days I find it really hard to be a teacher. Today was one of those days.
I have a student who is 13 and a sixth grader for the second time. She comes from a very dysfunctional home. Her mom is raising three of her own kids plus a grand baby. Her mom probably uses methamphetamine and likes that kind of life-style. My student is very street wise, she dates and is probably sexually active with older men. She probably self medicates with god knows what. She also has a great big giant dread lock on the top of her head, the dread is from about a year of not taking care of her hair (this was not a planned dread). This student has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals but never stays long enough to see any results. When she is at school she tries her best to go home, with faking sickness, faking heavy flow periods, self mutilation, I could go on and on. Let me just say when she is in my class, I let her sleep.
Today, I had the school social worker help me call in a professional to help her get her hair under control. After an hour of working on her hair, a person not familiar with the situation would not be able to tell, but I was very pleased with the results. She was able to free several large clumps of hair from the 'hair-ball'. The professional said she would come back tomorrow and spend the whole afternoon. I am a teacher, I should be teaching nouns verbs, I should be teaching writing, and reading. Instead, I spent an entire afternoon convincing a student that I saw progress on her hair. I do what I can, but after today I can say that I have really seen and heard almost all!

Three in diapers

Eddy Haskel was diagnosed with encopresis several years ago. I have tried numerous doctors and self help books looking for a cure. Over the past few months I thought we had moved passed the pants pooping. Every book and doctor that we have ever gone to, have told me he needs to retrain his bowels. I have tried setting timers, letting him have the Gameboy while on the pot, pro-biotic yogurt, Metamucil, Fiber One, almost anything on the market that makes one move their bowels I have tried. Eddy continues to poop his pants. I can smell it the second that he walks in the door, I get angry, I yell, I scream, and that is not what I am supposed to do. I am supposed to ask him to finish having said bowel movement, get him clean underwear, and help him get cleaned up. Well, I do not do that either, wanna guess why? Because I have 2 other kids in diapers. One who is almost more potty trained than Eddy.
Last night I let him ride his bike, it was raining but I needed a break from him. I called him in a couple of hours later and he walked past me and the smell hit me. He sat in my favorite chair, thus causing the smell to get onto my chair. I asked him to go clean up and bring down his soiled clothing. He took a 30 minute shower and has still failed to bring down the dirty clothes for me. At dinner when I called him down, same thing; the smell of fecal matter. I asked him why he came down here when he had poop on his butt; his response was "I did not want you to get mad at me when you called me so I got up from pooping and did not wipe my butt." WTF? did not wipe your ass, came down the first time I called you? Bullshit.
I am tired of cleaning shit out of pants, I am tired of having an almost teenager who still shits his pants, I am tired of being nice about it.

Change, not the kind in the bottom of your purse

Is is bad that I am so resistant to change?
I really get worked up when things do not go according to my schemata. Take for instance next school year, as previously posted next school year we will be consolidating with a neighboring school district. This means I will be teaching a different grade level, I will be with a different team of teachers, and I will be in a different classroom. I am really anxious about the change, I walked into this job with a very bad taste in my mouth from my first year of teaching. I walked into this job not knowing what lay in store, I walked into this job with much joy in my heart because I have known all along that I am a good teacher. I was told that my sixth grade team was a difficult one, full of veteran teachers who were also resistant to change and who had a bad taste in their mouths because of previous special education teachers. Well, low and behold I broke the mold, I got along splendidly with my team and was able to make suggestions that would benefit all students. I looked forward to going to work. I was accepted and respected.
Yesterday we met with the new team of teachers from the school we are consolidating with, and they like most are apprehensive about change. The meetings went awful, we did not get our room assignments like promised and one teacher came in with a huge chip on her shoulder. I left school yesterday in tears, for the first time in a long time I felt anxious about next year.
I know I will be working with great teachers next year, a different kind of team but not all that bad. Then I did the unthinkable, I let my mouth open and words come out before my brain had time to filter what I was about to say. I told them if next year does not work out then I am quitting. Huh? What?
With the state of the economy and jobs in education in short supply what was I thinking. I was not, I was being selfish and resisting the change. Over the next few weeks as the Red Bird mascot disappears and is replaced with a panther, I have some reflecting to do. I need to make this about the new group of students whose lives I can make an impact upon, I need to just "get on the bus" and be happy that I have a job and that this is what I have wanted for a really long time. I need to let go and enjoy the ride.

Hey there Earthy Birthy How the Heck are You?

Hello Blog

I am Earthy Birthy Mama, you might remember me from about 9 months ago. Well hopefully I am back.
Let's see, where to begin; let me do a quick recap of the past nine months.
August 2, 2009 we welcomed Danger Hawk to our family. Eddy Haskel started the fifth grade. Two weeks into the school year Eddy placed a fake snake on the chair of his teacher, who by the by is deathly afraid of snakes. Great way to start and end the year, Eddy. So needless to say, we have had a helluva school year.
In September my Anti Hippie became a Chief in the Navy and I drove three kids up to Michigan to his pinning ceremony. I was honored to be the one to pin my husband, and I am so proud of him. He is now constantly on the computer and phone putting out fires for the United States Navy.
In October I returned to work after an extended maternity leave. I teach 6th, 7th, and 8th grade language arts. My school district and the school district in which I live are consolidating and this school year has been one of celebrating the old and looking toward the new. I work with a wonderful team of veteran teachers and I know now that this is what teaching is all about, having hated my job last school year.
In November I hosted Thanksgiving dinner which was a success. In December my Eddy Haskel turned 11 and we celebrated the holidays with over indulgence and family.
January, February, and March passed in a blur of snow and really crappy weather. I taught units on the Iditarod, recycling, and Dr. Seuss. I still really liked teaching. Baby Danger Hawk went from being a crying baby to being a crying, drooling, and able to roll and scoot everywhere baby.
In March we left the 'not so good' babysitter and now have a sitter that comes to my house to watch the kids, uses cloth diapers, folds my laundry, and sometimes even does my dishes!
In April we planned our garden and had the hottie from the neighboring town come and till up our garden and our back yard where the Koi pond used to be. As April progressed Baby Danger Hawk began crawling. We got a new puppy. Whom I love and hate with a passion. I love the fact that I will have a dog that the kids can grow up with, but I HATE puppies! I enjoyed a night of pizza and libations with Earth Muffin and Mr. Earth Muffin. I went to see Jake's Leg with a bachelorette party. I also went to the ER with Gnat, who fell in the shower and hit her eye.
Now we come to May and boy what a May it has been already. I was informed that I will be teaching 7th grade next year, as I previously mentioned we are consolidating with the neighboring school district and we are making preparations for next year. This means up to 58 classroom moves and a change that means great things for our kids, but for people of the community it is the end of an era. So as we come into May and my school year ends, I am still here. More laundry, a dirtier house, growing kids, busier schedules. I love my crazy family and when they smile at me, or tell me they love me, it makes it all worth while. Glad I am back, I need to make this a regular habit. See ya tomorrow!