I was doing things in my own time for the first time in my life, although my timing at this point actually sucked. In college I was making very mediocre grades. By the time second semester started in the winter I had moved out of Jane's apartment and was back home living under my parent's roof, with their rules. I was also working at McDonald's. I had alienated myself from all of the boyfriends that I had, and I got involved with a much older guy, who used to be a body builder. He was old enough to be my dad.
Let me just say that I fell for this guy hard. It could have been his awesome music collection, or his awesome drugs, or just that I was pathetic and very lonely, and most of all heartbroken that 'real life' was not really what I expected. I was short on cash, so I pawned a lot of stuff. The only thing I really had to pay for was the car, but when you party and you need gas and cigarettes you sometimes have to make ends meet to keep the car and the insurance. By the time Spring semester was ending, I was fed up with my fast food job, with my parents, with my stupidity when it came to choosing friends and boyfriends, that all I really wanted to do was leave. That is exactly what I did.
I knew that Jacques would be back for a few weeks during the summer to pick up what he needed to live in Alaska, and then he would be driving back up north. What a better adventure than to leave home and go three thousand plus miles away. I just knew that things would be better up north, and that nothing from here would follow me. I dumped the thirty- something guy, quit my job at McDonald's, kissed a girl, and planned my escape. During this time of transition, I seemed happier, I was experimenting with my sexuality, and all the while I was secretly planning my escape in June. I packed tubs and hid them in my closet, I signed up for a credit card just in case, in my mind I was setting things right. I returned all those things that I collected that did not belong to me, like books, and records and the like. I hung out with friends and let them know my plans. When Jacques came back, we planned our trip back. Now mind you his parents were totally cool with him going up north, they had no idea I was going too, and my parents were clueless about my plans until I was almost to Fargo, North Dakota.
I remember so vividily the day we left....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Chapter One
I have decided to start my book on my blog. The Anti Hippie told me years ago that writing a book would be very therapeutic.
Wishing for a Pair of Long Underwear
The dream is always the same, I always wake up in a cold sweat and the neck of my sleep-shirt is usually wet with perspiration. I dreamed about him again last night. I dreamed he opened the window and carried the boy off into the night. I dreamed I was there and I could see him. Icould also hear the empty promises he made to the boy, about trips and fun. When I wake up, I usually go upstairs and check on the boy, just to make sure.
Last summer I swore I saw him at the local public pool. I was incognito in my wide brimmed sun-hat and sunglasses, and the boy does not look anything like he did when he was little, when I left. I guess my irrational fear comes from not knowing where in time and space he really is. Is he here, is he there, is he dead, is he alive, or in jail?
The boy is now ten, but this story and his story begin twelve plus years ago, when I actually left for the first time. I had an ex-boyfriend who was going to school in Alaska. Jaques had graduated early from high-school and left for school in January. I was heart broken but I was 2 years his elder and was in college, we agreed breaking up would be the best thing. While he was away in the great northern expanse, I was at home miserable. I had just been forced to move back home with my parents after a failed attempt of living on my own. I lived in an apartment I could not afford, with a friend who was addicted to prescription pain medication. I was also flunking out of college because partying and getting high were so much more enjoyable at that time in my life.
So here I was living at home, with my parents whose marriage was pretty shaky after my mother's solo battle with breast cancer and builing a brand new house, which exceeded it's budget. During the previous summer, my mother un beknownst to me had found out she had breast cancer. I was away a camp as a counselor and only found out because my brother had a big mouth and could not let me leave after the fourth of July knowing that on my birthday she would have a maestoctomy. My mother apparently did not let anyone know about the cancer, she told my dad and I guess my brother, but she did not want to burden me with her news, nor any of her friends. Whom I found out later were really alienated by her behavior. No my mother was very stoic and stayed at the hospital by herself while part of her womanhood was removed. My parents did not tell me about the cancer until after I returned from working at the summer camp. I was hurt to say the least, I was uncomfortable around either one of them. I felt betrayed, which would ultimately lead to my betrayal of them. When I got home from camp that summer, my mother actually asked me if I wanted to see her scar and if I would go bra shopping with her, I was so angry and hurt that I refused.
In my anger I moved out with Jane. Jane was an addict. She saw about 10 doctors, non of whom knew anything about the other. She took prescription medication like it was candy. I was oblivious to this, until years later when I spoke to a mutual friend, after Jane had died. Jane lived the high life, she was the heiress to a family that owned about 15 gas stations. She lived out of her means too, but on the river of denial. Jane was a fun first roommate, she was either passed out on the couch, or wanted to go shopping. She was older, but not a mother figure. We had some good times, but looking back on it now I probably could have saved Jane's life. I was so young and so naive, though.
At this time of transition, I was juggling several boyfriends. I had one in the town where the summer camp was, I had old faithful who would always be there, I had Jacques in the fall before he left, and I had the bar owner with crabs. I am really lucky that crabs were the only STD that I came in contact with during that time of being young and stupid.
Stay tuned for more..... i like it so far
Wishing for a Pair of Long Underwear
The dream is always the same, I always wake up in a cold sweat and the neck of my sleep-shirt is usually wet with perspiration. I dreamed about him again last night. I dreamed he opened the window and carried the boy off into the night. I dreamed I was there and I could see him. Icould also hear the empty promises he made to the boy, about trips and fun. When I wake up, I usually go upstairs and check on the boy, just to make sure.
Last summer I swore I saw him at the local public pool. I was incognito in my wide brimmed sun-hat and sunglasses, and the boy does not look anything like he did when he was little, when I left. I guess my irrational fear comes from not knowing where in time and space he really is. Is he here, is he there, is he dead, is he alive, or in jail?
The boy is now ten, but this story and his story begin twelve plus years ago, when I actually left for the first time. I had an ex-boyfriend who was going to school in Alaska. Jaques had graduated early from high-school and left for school in January. I was heart broken but I was 2 years his elder and was in college, we agreed breaking up would be the best thing. While he was away in the great northern expanse, I was at home miserable. I had just been forced to move back home with my parents after a failed attempt of living on my own. I lived in an apartment I could not afford, with a friend who was addicted to prescription pain medication. I was also flunking out of college because partying and getting high were so much more enjoyable at that time in my life.
So here I was living at home, with my parents whose marriage was pretty shaky after my mother's solo battle with breast cancer and builing a brand new house, which exceeded it's budget. During the previous summer, my mother un beknownst to me had found out she had breast cancer. I was away a camp as a counselor and only found out because my brother had a big mouth and could not let me leave after the fourth of July knowing that on my birthday she would have a maestoctomy. My mother apparently did not let anyone know about the cancer, she told my dad and I guess my brother, but she did not want to burden me with her news, nor any of her friends. Whom I found out later were really alienated by her behavior. No my mother was very stoic and stayed at the hospital by herself while part of her womanhood was removed. My parents did not tell me about the cancer until after I returned from working at the summer camp. I was hurt to say the least, I was uncomfortable around either one of them. I felt betrayed, which would ultimately lead to my betrayal of them. When I got home from camp that summer, my mother actually asked me if I wanted to see her scar and if I would go bra shopping with her, I was so angry and hurt that I refused.
In my anger I moved out with Jane. Jane was an addict. She saw about 10 doctors, non of whom knew anything about the other. She took prescription medication like it was candy. I was oblivious to this, until years later when I spoke to a mutual friend, after Jane had died. Jane lived the high life, she was the heiress to a family that owned about 15 gas stations. She lived out of her means too, but on the river of denial. Jane was a fun first roommate, she was either passed out on the couch, or wanted to go shopping. She was older, but not a mother figure. We had some good times, but looking back on it now I probably could have saved Jane's life. I was so young and so naive, though.
At this time of transition, I was juggling several boyfriends. I had one in the town where the summer camp was, I had old faithful who would always be there, I had Jacques in the fall before he left, and I had the bar owner with crabs. I am really lucky that crabs were the only STD that I came in contact with during that time of being young and stupid.
Stay tuned for more..... i like it so far
Monday, April 13, 2009
Letter to random annoying people I know
Dear Neighbors,
You are very sweet people, you are nice to my kids and my dogs, I cannot really complain about you except that you burned in your yard the same day I had fresh clothes hanging on the line. They were not my boys grubby clothes nor were they dog towels, no they were my good maternity work clothes. Now, I know you were cleaning out your garage but you saw me painstakingly hanging up each item, yet you still set the smelly particle board on fire, the wind caught the smoke and drew it right up to my clean hanging laundry. Now, I would not have minded this at all, because I left the clothes on the line yesterday while celebrating Easter, but in the evening before I could get them down it started to rain, so I had to go out this morning and get wet sopping laundry off of the line and wash it again. Thanks again for being nice to my kids and my dogs, but please before you burn look across the alley at my line and make sure there is nothing hanging on it.
Love, EBM
Dear B and T,
Okay first of all congratulations on the successful transplant. Miss M looks great and I am happy that you will be heading back home today, after 2 long months in Chicago for her recovery. Please remember that you are returning to your mom's house because you quit making house payments and just last week the bank took back your house. Your house which by the way was still full of your stuff, scratch that still full of stuff you borrowed or were given by various family members and friends for wedding gifts and at baby showers. You even left your $1200 wedding dress in the house. WTF? I just want to thank you for the lawn ornaments that I went over and got, and for the like new papasan baby swing that was left to mold in your garage, I cleaned that sucker up and although there are a few stains that lemon juice and the sun could not get out it is as good as new and ready for our new arrival coming in August. Which by the way brings up yet another point, YOU WANT TO HAVE MORE KIDS RIGHT NOW??? Did you not just lose a baby in the summer of '06 and just about lost Miss M? Do you not think you should go in for genetic testing first before you selfishly plan for more kids while you do not have a car and have moved back in with your mother and mother in law??
Oh yeah and one more thing that really pissed me off, YOU GOT i phones? WTF? We looked into i phones which do not have a family plan, which cost money, which once again do I have to remind you YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY!!!!
Well, I am happy that my niece is doing well and I can't wait to see you when you get home and if I do not really talk to you it is because I am biting my tounge trying to keep my freaking mouth shut.
Love to you all,
EBM
You are very sweet people, you are nice to my kids and my dogs, I cannot really complain about you except that you burned in your yard the same day I had fresh clothes hanging on the line. They were not my boys grubby clothes nor were they dog towels, no they were my good maternity work clothes. Now, I know you were cleaning out your garage but you saw me painstakingly hanging up each item, yet you still set the smelly particle board on fire, the wind caught the smoke and drew it right up to my clean hanging laundry. Now, I would not have minded this at all, because I left the clothes on the line yesterday while celebrating Easter, but in the evening before I could get them down it started to rain, so I had to go out this morning and get wet sopping laundry off of the line and wash it again. Thanks again for being nice to my kids and my dogs, but please before you burn look across the alley at my line and make sure there is nothing hanging on it.
Love, EBM
Dear B and T,
Okay first of all congratulations on the successful transplant. Miss M looks great and I am happy that you will be heading back home today, after 2 long months in Chicago for her recovery. Please remember that you are returning to your mom's house because you quit making house payments and just last week the bank took back your house. Your house which by the way was still full of your stuff, scratch that still full of stuff you borrowed or were given by various family members and friends for wedding gifts and at baby showers. You even left your $1200 wedding dress in the house. WTF? I just want to thank you for the lawn ornaments that I went over and got, and for the like new papasan baby swing that was left to mold in your garage, I cleaned that sucker up and although there are a few stains that lemon juice and the sun could not get out it is as good as new and ready for our new arrival coming in August. Which by the way brings up yet another point, YOU WANT TO HAVE MORE KIDS RIGHT NOW??? Did you not just lose a baby in the summer of '06 and just about lost Miss M? Do you not think you should go in for genetic testing first before you selfishly plan for more kids while you do not have a car and have moved back in with your mother and mother in law??
Oh yeah and one more thing that really pissed me off, YOU GOT i phones? WTF? We looked into i phones which do not have a family plan, which cost money, which once again do I have to remind you YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY!!!!
Well, I am happy that my niece is doing well and I can't wait to see you when you get home and if I do not really talk to you it is because I am biting my tounge trying to keep my freaking mouth shut.
Love to you all,
EBM
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Spring Break the non-alcoholic version
So break is almost over and this is when I begin my count down for the end of the school year. I did not really get much accomplished this break, what with chasing around an almost two year old and yelling at the punk who is also known as Eddy.
I did get my craft room organized and we are now able to sit in the game room and watch television. I have several piles for an upcoming yard sale and I half heartedly cleaned my house. For those of you who know me, know that I have ODC and I am factitious about having a clean house, but what is the point?
Why have a neat clean tidy house? I really have begun to let things go and I guess my house is the first thing to go!
On another note, if you ever get a new washing machine and it tells you to use the little bag for little socks and little things, please do so! The new washer was flashing an error code E-13, and I googled it and it said there was a water intake problem. When the Anti-Hippie got home from work in the morning I told him about the E-13 message, he messed with it but told me we would have to call someone to repair it! This was my brand new washer, we just got this in January. It was Saturday but I called places anyway, no one could come out until Tuesday at the earliest. I called Ace repairs and the receptionist told me that she would have her guy call me back because she did not know if they worked on Bosch appliances or not. Well Scott from Ace Repairs, called me back and told me he could come out on Monday, I told him I would see him then. Then Scott called me back and asked if I tried to unplug the washer, so I did. Still the E-13 message. Then Scott called back and asked if I tired to open the door, so I did. Still the E-13 message. Then Scott called back and this time I put him on the phone with the Anti-Hippie and Scott told him about the drain plug which could be plugged with a baby sock.
So the Anti-Hippie went to work taking apart my new washer. We found the drain plug and emptied the washer cookie sheet by cookie sheet into a dish pan, when it was finally emptied, he pulled out this really mutilated looking thing, which used to be a nursing pad. So let this be a lesson to you, if the instructions tell you to use the little mesh bag for smaller items please do so. I now have a working washer without the E-13 error code and a cute little pink mesh bag full of baby socks and breast pads!
To finish off my spring break tomorrow I will be typing some IEPs and making a new schedule for my new students who start on Tuesday. Hope y'all had a great Easter and a livlier spring break!!
I did get my craft room organized and we are now able to sit in the game room and watch television. I have several piles for an upcoming yard sale and I half heartedly cleaned my house. For those of you who know me, know that I have ODC and I am factitious about having a clean house, but what is the point?
Why have a neat clean tidy house? I really have begun to let things go and I guess my house is the first thing to go!
On another note, if you ever get a new washing machine and it tells you to use the little bag for little socks and little things, please do so! The new washer was flashing an error code E-13, and I googled it and it said there was a water intake problem. When the Anti-Hippie got home from work in the morning I told him about the E-13 message, he messed with it but told me we would have to call someone to repair it! This was my brand new washer, we just got this in January. It was Saturday but I called places anyway, no one could come out until Tuesday at the earliest. I called Ace repairs and the receptionist told me that she would have her guy call me back because she did not know if they worked on Bosch appliances or not. Well Scott from Ace Repairs, called me back and told me he could come out on Monday, I told him I would see him then. Then Scott called me back and asked if I tried to unplug the washer, so I did. Still the E-13 message. Then Scott called back and asked if I tired to open the door, so I did. Still the E-13 message. Then Scott called back and this time I put him on the phone with the Anti-Hippie and Scott told him about the drain plug which could be plugged with a baby sock.
So the Anti-Hippie went to work taking apart my new washer. We found the drain plug and emptied the washer cookie sheet by cookie sheet into a dish pan, when it was finally emptied, he pulled out this really mutilated looking thing, which used to be a nursing pad. So let this be a lesson to you, if the instructions tell you to use the little mesh bag for smaller items please do so. I now have a working washer without the E-13 error code and a cute little pink mesh bag full of baby socks and breast pads!
To finish off my spring break tomorrow I will be typing some IEPs and making a new schedule for my new students who start on Tuesday. Hope y'all had a great Easter and a livlier spring break!!
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