I have not posted in almost a year and here I am feeling sorry for myself so I decided that I needed to post a secret that has been the bane of my existence for a couple of weeks. I found "my Baby Daddy" on Facebook. I was bored one night and was holding a sleeping kid and surfing and lurking on Facebook. This surfing and lurking thing has become a past time for me, as I like to see how the other half lives; anyway I typed in his name in the Friend Box and searched. The search netted me over 75 people to look through, and then I saw a familiar face, holding a kid. Oh shit, I thought, no I take that back I thought a whole bunch of stuff, but oh shit works. I clicked on his name and I could view his page but he did not have much activity, so then I searched his friends and found his brother, and then I saw the baby. Myka is her name, I do not know how old she is or who her Mama is, but I had these feelings.
I felt like I was sneaking around on my very loving and very wonderful husband, I felt shame that I have made it almost, albeit in the age of computers not totally, impossible for him to see his son, I felt sad because there are some grandparents out there who will never get to enjoy Eddy Haskel and all of his antics, and then I felt angry because of what he did to me. So for the past few weeks I have been internalizing all of these feelings and it is not fair to my new family that I am acting this way. Have I deprived my own kid, by not letting him know that I know where his dad is? Will my Eddy go out looking for him someday? Will Baby Myka know that she has an awesome half brother out there somewhere? Has the "Baby Daddy" changed?
All of these questions weigh heavily on my conscience and I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had never met him nor gotten pregnant at such a young age. I believe in some sort of destiny, but what if?... What if..
So as I keep on lurking I am thankful that I have a husband who is not abusive, who loves me, and appreciates me.
But now I know he is out there and I wonder if he has found me yet?
1 comment:
All of your feelings are very valid and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling them, or for lurking in the first place. Everyone lurks to some degree on social networking sites, and sometimes we find things we wish we hadn't been looking for in the first place. If you're really feeling lousy about it, do you feel comfortable telling him about it? He's a very level-headed person and it's not unusual for someone in your situation to be curious and even concerned about the sperm donor's whereabouts. You didn't deny Eddy anything by leaving his dad when you did, you'd have been denying him more by staying in such a bad relationship. And you've done a good job of keeping the dialogue open with Eddy about his dad. As he gets older he'll have more questions and, yes, he might want to find his dad. If that happens, you and the Anti-Hippie will figure out how to handle it, because that's what good parents do. Everyone thinks in terms of "what if's" sometimes, it's easy to daydream about how differently our lives would be. Your's is pretty sweet now, and doing a little lurking on FB isn't going to change that. If anything, knowing where he is surely provides a bit more peace of mind than wondering how nearby he could be.
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