Down right Despondent and Depressed

Oh how can I go on? How can I get up every freaking day for the next 23 days of school and be happy and cheery and want to help my students who struggle? Why did this burden get placed upon me? Why me?
I have been thinking about this for several days now. I was fired or let go because I stood up for something I believed in, homework. I have homework every night, I fold laundry, I get out of bed on time, I get forms and faxes where they need to be in a timely manner, and I pay my bills on time. How could my students become "productive members of society" without homework?
I go into work each day and face each challenge that is handed to me. I complain a little, but I get the job done, I do what I feel is in the best interest of my students. I have not bitten a student, I have not snuck out of the building, and I am not a terrible teacher.
This totally sucks; I always thought I would be a teacher, now not so much. I am anxious about staying home next year. Do I write my book? Do I find part time work at Wal-Mart?
Today was my breaking point. The teachers in my wing do not have a cohesive planning time, therefore there were 4 projects that are due or were due this week and next. I have kids who are in the general population that have had up to 4 projects due, talk about homework. Most all of my prep time is spent helping students complete said assignments because these kids lack that support at home. I do not want ANYONE to tell me I was not here for my kids, I do not want ANYONE to tell me that I have not bent over backwards to see that ALL of my students did not pass the 7th grade.
I am sad, I am sad that my administration cannot see what I do on a daily basis, that I am by no means a martyr but I have been there this whole year and all of last year to see to it that NO ONE fell behind.
I think of Horton who no one believed, I think of how he did and he got up every day to search through those small specks of dust to find the Whos when they were lost. I do this every day. I search and search hoping to save just one little who.
I am sad because when I became a teacher I was going to "have an impact" on students. They were going to become better because of me and what I had to teach.
I cannot wait for these next 22 days to be over.

New Adventures

Once upon a time, my house was clean, my kids were well behaved, I had dinner on the table on time, and I was able to sleep every night. Then I decided to have more kids and that changed everything. In a few weeks we will never have more kids because my husband has elected to go in and have surgery. I pushed for this, but I am also sad. I love babies, they are so sweet, so needy, and they are only little for a short time. In July our middle daughter turns 4 and in August the baby turns 2. It has been a joyous ride, and my adventures with cloth diapers and baby wearing are almost over. Just recently I weaned the Danger Hawk, and I still feel like I am missing something, even though my nights of almost uninterrupted sleep are blissful.
I came from a tiny family, and was jealous of those "good Catholic" families growing up, that had a million kids running around. I wanted a big family, but as time goes on and I get older, I do not know if I could do childbirth again. I do not know if I could do 3am feedings again. The last baby was very trying on my patience as well as my relationship with my husband and the rest of my family. As I sit here contemplating the next few weeks, I am sad, but in the not too distant past I remember how trying that last baby was and how blessed we are to have what we have.

Really, Honey? Really?

Dear Anti Hippie,

I am just a little stressed right now. I lost my job, remember that? I left this morning and you were still in bed, I understand the night before you were working and did not get much sleep. I left early for work because I have several students in regular education classes with HUGE projects due this week. NOT ONE teacher has made accomidations on these HUGE PROJECTS. I fieled phone calls from parents all weekend about said projects, I got "talked" to by a fellow co-worker about a student whose parents "helped" him. WELL pardon the fuck out of me but he needed to get the stupid report and term paper completed, especially since he was absent last week.

So when I come home and I am pissed off because you went to the local IGA and bought groceries with out talking to me about what we need, I tend to get the right to be pissed. You bought 6 bottles of juice, we had 6 already in the pantry, you bought 4 more bags of coffee, we had 3 in the pantry, you did not buy the bread we needed, yeah I am just a little pissed and justly so. Now you are fixing dinner and asking me where the pots are? Really?

I appriciate all of your help and hard work, but sometimes you make my already stressful job more stress filled!