We interrupt this story to bring you something completely different!

On Sunday August 2, 2009 at 7:04 a.m. the Anti-Hippie and I welcomed our third child into to our family. Danger Hawk entered this world after 3 days of labor, sunny side up and star gazing!
We found out we were pregnant with Danger Hawk in December of 2008. I thought I had the flu, so I was not feeling particularly well. I was still nursing Princess Gnat so my periods had not returned regularly, so we were not quite surprised when I took 3 at home pregnancy tests and they all came back positive.
I was very lucky that I found a teaching job in January for the remainder of the school year, the job did not quite fit my personal educational philosophy ( but that is quite another post). I finished out the school year and in May was happy to be at home on summer vacation.
My pregnancy progressed through the summer and I had a great time being pregnant, up until those last three painful weeks. I was due August 13, and from July 28th on I started experiencing some pre-labor contractions. During this time, The Anti-Hippie, had passed his boards in the Navy and became a Chief Selectee for the 2010 Season of Pride (this too is another post), anyway this took the Anti-Hippie away from the house for a day or two at a time, where he was busy working on 'Navy Stuff'. At the beginning of August, there was to be a Navy Meet and Greet for all the Selectee Spouses and Families along with all the Genuine Chiefs.
The Meet and Greet went something like this: Hello I am The Anti-Hippie's wife, nice to meet you Chief So and So, Yes I am in labor I have been having contractions every eight minutes for the past 24 hours. Yes, I can't wait to meet him (baby Danger Hawk). No I do not think he will come while we are here. No, please do not tell me your birth story, about the labor from hell. Thanks nice to meet you too!
We eventually ate lunch, which the Selectees over engineered for, they expected 100 people, and only about 40 showed up. So my Husband and his troop of merry Selectees cleaned up dinner while the Genuine Chiefs had a meeting with all the wives, telling us that the next 8 weeks would be difficult, our husbands needed our support, yada yada... I am not bragging here, but while he was talking Danger Hawk decided to give some really good contractions, so I grimaced and listened, all the while thinking, GAWD I wish this baby would get here!!
After the Meet and Greet my husband was expected to clean up and so I went home with Princess Gnat and we got ready for bed, I was not in a lot of pain at this time, but I could tell that this baby would be here soon.
The Anti-Hippie arrived home from cleaning up at around 10:00pm and by 10:30 we were all fast asleep in our beds. At midnight The Anti-Hippie got up to go pee and I also had to pee, so I tried to race him to the bathroom, en-route I felt dampness around my bottom and we decided that my water was leaking. We called the awesome Grandma down the street and she came to sit with the kids while we rushed to the hospital. It was a very foggy night, and our drive was slower due to this.
We called ahead to the hospital and then to our surprise when we got there the Anti-Hippie's mother who is an ER nurse was able to take us upstairs to the maternity floor.
I labored somewhat comfortably for the next few hours, and then it hit, my contractions were coming at about 3 minutes apart and I was feeling great pressure. The Anti-Hippie was so wiped from the previous days events that he laid on the sofa bed and kept telling me I was doing a great job. I really wanted a natural child birth, but by 5am the pressure was so great and I was so tired, that I said the magic word and I got an epidural. By the time the whole process was over I had an epidural by 5:45 and was able to sleep a bit in between contractions. The Anti-Hippie will tell you this made a world of difference in my labor, I was smiling, not from the drugs, but because the pain had eased up due to the epidural. by 6:45 am I was ready to push, I pushed for 10 minutes and by 7:04am Danger Hawk had arrived.
Although my birth did not go as I had planned, it was still a wonderful experience and I was still in control of my body. No nurse nor doctor had told me what to do, I did what I felt I needed to and I am happy to say that I am glad I did. I am also happy to report the family and I are doing well.

Chapter 4 (finally)

My trip down to Anchorage was for the most part uneventful. Our Hitchhiking Ride dropped us off very near an REI store where I browsed the clearance rack for winter gear. I needed a coat and some pants. I bought a Gore-Tex coat (which I still wear) and a pair of Gore-Tex pants. From REI we perused the want-ads in search of a new used car for a couple of hundred dollars. We found a 1982 Subaru wagon about 15 miles away, we called for a taxi and went over to see the car.
The car was a yellow 4 door Subaru hatch-back with good tires and was for sale for a reasonable price, only problem was that it was a 5 speed. I had never learned how to drive a 5 speed, so Brian helped me get the car back to Fairbanks, on the way home we picked up a hitch-hiker and he camped with us in Denali. He was on his way to a hostel in Fairbanks, and we were happy for the company.
When I got back home to the cabin, Jacques was already at work and had left me an apologetic note. I ignored it, and promptly moved out. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car for a few nights. Brian had this friend who lived in North Pole, Alaska and he agreed to let me stay there and help with house work until I found a place to live. This guy, had a girl friend somewhere and he stayed with her most of the time. Now mind you Brian was still growing pot with Stina up in Gold-Stream Valley. I was still working at Denny's, and Jacques had taken our split pretty hard. He really wanted me back, but looking back on it now, I think he sensed that Brian was a bad apple.
By mid-September the leaves were off of the trees and the weather had turned cold, snow was coming and so was winter, and I still did not have a place to live. I looked in the classifieds each day, finally I found a cabin for rent back in Fairbanks and relatively close to Denny's. This creepy guy was my land lord, and he claimed he would be spending the winter in New Zealand. He gave me an address where I could send my rent, but he also gave me the creepy peepers. The cabin was nothing more than a 12x12 box with a little furnace that left everything black, because it burned oil and then it kind of leaked into the cabin, I would wake each morning kind of sooty looking.
Brian was working on harvesting his first crop and someone shot his wolf. His neighbor up in Gold Stream was tired of the wolf getting into the garbage so he shot and killed the wolf. This devastated Brian and he knew he must get this crop harvested and find another location to grow.
Meanwhile, Stina confronted me and tried to beat me up over Brian. I told Brian to leave. Stina then went up to the grow house and harvested all that could be harvested and tried to skip town. She changed the locks on the doors and when that neighbor who shot the wolf, saw Brian trying to get in, he called the cops. The cops found Brian inside the house and started snooping around, they wondered why there were rooms in this house with locks on the outside, well one thing led to another and they figured out he was growing up there and that led to a call to the Alaskan Drug Task-Force. They confiscated about $60,000.00 worth of pot and grow equipment. Now the ironic part of this is that Stina had gone in before she changed the locks and harvested quite a bit of pot, and was driving around with it in her car. When Brian caught up with her, he was able to re-coup some of the crop, but never made any money off of it.
I was at work the day this happened, Brian was not arrested, but they confiscated everything, and he came over to my cabin where he wanted to live. I kicked him out, I told him I wanted no part of this, and he left. He told me he was going back to Texas to get some money and to give me a break. I should have never let him come back. 2 weeks later I found him sitting on my front stoop one afternoon after work, and he told me he had some money and that he would take care of me. In the time that he was gone I started working for a guy who had a dog kennel who was going to let me live in his handler's cabin and learn how to maintain a kennel and most importantly have a team of sled-dogs. I did not invite Brian to live with me, he was trying all means necessary to get me back. And then I made the biggest life changing decision EVER, I let him come back and live with me.

Chapter 3 cont.

By July Jacques and I had a comfortable groove going in our little shack in the woods. I could feel my need to move on though. I do not know why but there was a period in my life where I got bored in relationships and wanted more, even though what I was really looking for was right there the whole time. By the end of July and into August, I was partying really hard, I worked through the grave yard shift and had moved up to 3pm-11pm. Jacques was still on grave yard, so we did not get to party together too often.

One night I was asked by a co-worker to go tripping with him, he was in the Army and apparently LSD did not show up on drug tests or something like that. He had liquid acid, and I tripped balls strong for about 8 hours. I freaked only once, and to this day I prefer shrooms to acid. I had an awakening, and felt the need to move on from Jacques. I had a bad come down, I felt so bad, but I had to work the next day, so on top of no sleep and trippin balls, I went to work. Where I met my baby daddy.

I was still coming down while I was at work, and feeling really bad. I had just gotten into a big fight with Jacques, who accused me of being irresponsible, and although I did not see it at the time really cared for my well being. Anything could have happened to me while I was out there. Anyway I went to work feeling really shitty about myself but knowing that I needed another change. Sitting at the counter was this red headed guy I had never seen before and out in the parking lot was a piece of shit car with a wolf inside. I kid you not a real live wolf, that happened to belong to the redhaired guy. Now at the same time this new girl started working at Denny’s and she said she was with the red-haired guy. I played nice and befriended her. In hindsight it was to get to the red-haired guy. We all became friends and I quickly found out that she was not his girl friend, she was a front for the operation he had going up in the valley.

His name was Brian, he migrated to Alaska via hitch-hiking, and had set up a grow operation. He was not too discrete about his operation and told me all about it. I even went up a few times to see it. He had also bought the wolf pup off of a guy, and it was a real wolf. And not to be the antithesis of white trash, he had a red nosed pit bull dog. I really liked him though, I would see him when Jacques was at work. I told him that he was the reason for my awakening. This girl I befriended on the other hand had other ideas, she thought that she and Brian were an item, and looking back on it now maybe they were.

His Side: Her name was Stina, short for Christina. She came to Alaska with a heroine addict, and pulled into Girdwood (hippie Mecca of Alaska). Brian was living on a hill in a converted bus, and Stina just happened to pull up in front of his place with this heroine addict friend of hers, and Brian thought that he might just help them out. Well Stina’s friend left to go on a binge and Brain’s pit bull attacked another dog, all within the same time frame, so Brian needed to get the hell out of dodge. He convinced Stina that she could be a front for his grow operation and he would split whatever he made with her, plus the cost of her being the front and having a real job. So when I met them it was just a business deal.

Her Side: She was destined to meet Brian and he wanted her, so they moved up to Fairbanks and they together started a grow operation. She was going to be the front and make have the job. She was totally in love with him, and when she found out about he and I shit totally hit the fan.

During the month of August I had also saved up enough money to go down to Anchorage and get some gear for winter and buy a piece of shit car. On one of my long weekends, Brian and I took off for Anchorage. Now mind you, he had a wolf, dog, and a grow operation still going up in the valley. Stina still thought she was a part of this, and Jacques had no idea where I had gone for the weekend.

We hitch hiked down to Anchorage, we were lucky enough to get one ride all the way down. I was so scared yet elated that I was out there, doing something, that probably no one that I knew had ever done!!

Take it on the Run Chapter 3

That first night we found a Laundromat for a shower and then went to Safe-Way to stock up on groceries and to set up a little house keeping. Now you may be wondering about the showering at a Laundromat, but it is true, for $2.00 you could get your own private shower for 15 minutes. So feeling refreshed we went back to our cabin and set up house. I believe this was a Thursday night that we arrived in town, and later that weekend it would be the annual Summer Solstice Celebration.

Jacques had gone to school in Fairbanks the previous semester and stored some of his stuff with various friends. Throughout the next few days these friends stopped by to drop off his stuff and to wish us well. This is when I met Tyler. Tyler was of legal age and he worked at Burger King, he rode his bike to work every day, down a big hill to work and up the big hill from work. He was like that cat you fed one time, he always knew when dinner was and he always had a little something for you if you threw some food his way. He and I hit it off really well, not in an inappropriate kind of way, in the way that young twenty- some-things often do, drink, smoke, hang out type of way. Tyler had a trailer for his bike and would haul water up to his cabin. He was always up for a good time and was an enjoyable friend.

During this transition time, Jacques and I began to look for jobs with various hours we interviewed at Fred Meyers, at Safe-Way, for Merry Maids, and at the farthest most Denny’s in the world. We both took jobs at Denny’s working different shifts. This was fine, because I would drop him off for his shift and bring the car and my bike with me to my shift and he would drive the car home and I would bike home when my shift was finished. There were bike paths everywhere and we only lived a few miles from the Denny’s. By a few miles I mean like 5 or so.

I began saving money as I was earning it hand over fist, working the midnight shift during tourist season. I was able to buy the afore-mentioned bike, and help out with rent and groceries. During this time, we also had met some phreaks that we worked with at Denny’s and began hanging out with them. They were always up for a good time when we were not working. Jacques and I also would spend hours wandering in the woods at Fairbanks University and taking car rides up to the Artic Circle and just getting out and hiking all around.

On one such journey, we drove to Circle, Alaska. It was awesome to visit a real Native village. On the way home we suffered a flat tire, and we had a spare but it went flat too. We drove about 75 miles on this flat tire, until we got back to Fairbanks, when we pulled over and were going to hoof it back home, some nice stranger stopped and took me home and took Jacques to get the tire repaired and then back to the car. This was one of the first experiences with the nice people in Alaska.

Meanwhile my dad had sent me a letter asking me to explain to my relatives back home that I was on a vacation in Alaska, and that I would be returning soon and not to worry about me. He still wanted me to come home, he was very scared for me knowing what the real world was full of, as I was yet to discover.

Leaving You Behind
Chapter 2

On a very sunny Tuesday in June of 1997, I packed up my Rubbermaid boxes in the 1985 Chevy Caprice Station wagon and left my home in Illinois. I had left a note for my parents who were not at home at the time, my dad was volunteering at a local native American site and my mother was at a school administrators academy in the capital city. The note I wrote in short said that I had failed at my attempts to become a real adult in Illinois so I was leaving for Alaska with the hopes of becoming a real adult in the North Woods. We then drove to the capital city ourselves to register the car in his name and to get some supplies from a big box store for our trip. Our plan was to drive straight through. From Illinois to Fargo, North Dakota cross into Canada and take that all the way to White Horse which is just on the other side of the boarder from Alaska. Now mind you this was all pre- 911 and all you needed to cross the boarder was a birth certificate and a valid licence.

We started our trip at around 5pm on a that Tuesday leaving behind us the capital city and by 7:00 am on Wednesday we were crossing the boarder just north of Fargo North Dakota. I was done crying and was ready to start my adventure, on the way to the boarder we found a few roaches in the ashtray and had a celebration about being on the road. Once across the boarder, the country looks much the same as it does down here, rolling farm land and green pastures. By night fall we were half way there. On Thursday morning we stopped here and Jacques called his family.

They wanted to know why I came with him, they wanted to know if we were okay and that my dad was frantically looking for me and that I should call them as soon as he got off the phone with his parents. Now mind you I am 19 years old, so I called home and talked to my old man. I heard fear in his voice, I realized that the past few days or 72 hours had aged him. He was sad I ran, he wished he could have seen my anger and pain. He told me he had felt the same way when he was 19, because he was getting ready to go to war. He told me he loved me and that if I wanted when I got to Alaska that he would wire me money and I could come home. He told me he was sorry and that he was angry, but to BE SAFE, NOT GET MARRIED, and to NOT GET PREGNANT. I promised him that I would be safe, I would not get married, and that I had no plans on getting pregnant. I told him I would call him when we made it to our final destination, Fairbanks, and that I loved him but this was something that I needed to do, for me. He understood, but then told me my mother was in despair and asked how I could ever do this to her? Well, I told him that was easy, she never told me about the cancer and she fought her demons on her own so I guessed I would too!

After three days of driving straight through, we crossed the boarder at Whitehorse in the Yukon on Friday afternoon on our way to Fairbanks. We arrived Friday evening, in Fairbanks to our little cabin in the woods. It looked like a clubhouse, I wished I had pictures of it, I have other pictures but none of the cabin. We went into town to find a laundromat with showers, because we did not stop the entire time while we were on the road to shower, only for gas and to pee. We also needed water and groceries, as this cabin only had electricity.

stay tuned for more, I am nearing the end of my school year and I have been very busy, hopefully summer vacation will bring time for me to write more, it makes me feel so good!

Chapter One cont.

I was doing things in my own time for the first time in my life, although my timing at this point actually sucked. In college I was making very mediocre grades. By the time second semester started in the winter I had moved out of Jane's apartment and was back home living under my parent's roof, with their rules. I was also working at McDonald's. I had alienated myself from all of the boyfriends that I had, and I got involved with a much older guy, who used to be a body builder. He was old enough to be my dad.

Let me just say that I fell for this guy hard. It could have been his awesome music collection, or his awesome drugs, or just that I was pathetic and very lonely, and most of all heartbroken that 'real life' was not really what I expected. I was short on cash, so I pawned a lot of stuff. The only thing I really had to pay for was the car, but when you party and you need gas and cigarettes you sometimes have to make ends meet to keep the car and the insurance. By the time Spring semester was ending, I was fed up with my fast food job, with my parents, with my stupidity when it came to choosing friends and boyfriends, that all I really wanted to do was leave. That is exactly what I did.

I knew that Jacques would be back for a few weeks during the summer to pick up what he needed to live in Alaska, and then he would be driving back up north. What a better adventure than to leave home and go three thousand plus miles away. I just knew that things would be better up north, and that nothing from here would follow me. I dumped the thirty- something guy, quit my job at McDonald's, kissed a girl, and planned my escape. During this time of transition, I seemed happier, I was experimenting with my sexuality, and all the while I was secretly planning my escape in June. I packed tubs and hid them in my closet, I signed up for a credit card just in case, in my mind I was setting things right. I returned all those things that I collected that did not belong to me, like books, and records and the like. I hung out with friends and let them know my plans. When Jacques came back, we planned our trip back. Now mind you his parents were totally cool with him going up north, they had no idea I was going too, and my parents were clueless about my plans until I was almost to Fargo, North Dakota.

I remember so vividily the day we left....

Chapter One

I have decided to start my book on my blog. The Anti Hippie told me years ago that writing a book would be very therapeutic.

Wishing for a Pair of Long Underwear

The dream is always the same, I always wake up in a cold sweat and the neck of my sleep-shirt is usually wet with perspiration. I dreamed about him again last night. I dreamed he opened the window and carried the boy off into the night. I dreamed I was there and I could see him. Icould also hear the empty promises he made to the boy, about trips and fun. When I wake up, I usually go upstairs and check on the boy, just to make sure.

Last summer I swore I saw him at the local public pool. I was incognito in my wide brimmed sun-hat and sunglasses, and the boy does not look anything like he did when he was little, when I left. I guess my irrational fear comes from not knowing where in time and space he really is. Is he here, is he there, is he dead, is he alive, or in jail?

The boy is now ten, but this story and his story begin twelve plus years ago, when I actually left for the first time. I had an ex-boyfriend who was going to school in Alaska. Jaques had graduated early from high-school and left for school in January. I was heart broken but I was 2 years his elder and was in college, we agreed breaking up would be the best thing. While he was away in the great northern expanse, I was at home miserable. I had just been forced to move back home with my parents after a failed attempt of living on my own. I lived in an apartment I could not afford, with a friend who was addicted to prescription pain medication. I was also flunking out of college because partying and getting high were so much more enjoyable at that time in my life.

So here I was living at home, with my parents whose marriage was pretty shaky after my mother's solo battle with breast cancer and builing a brand new house, which exceeded it's budget. During the previous summer, my mother un beknownst to me had found out she had breast cancer. I was away a camp as a counselor and only found out because my brother had a big mouth and could not let me leave after the fourth of July knowing that on my birthday she would have a maestoctomy. My mother apparently did not let anyone know about the cancer, she told my dad and I guess my brother, but she did not want to burden me with her news, nor any of her friends. Whom I found out later were really alienated by her behavior. No my mother was very stoic and stayed at the hospital by herself while part of her womanhood was removed. My parents did not tell me about the cancer until after I returned from working at the summer camp. I was hurt to say the least, I was uncomfortable around either one of them. I felt betrayed, which would ultimately lead to my betrayal of them. When I got home from camp that summer, my mother actually asked me if I wanted to see her scar and if I would go bra shopping with her, I was so angry and hurt that I refused.

In my anger I moved out with Jane. Jane was an addict. She saw about 10 doctors, non of whom knew anything about the other. She took prescription medication like it was candy. I was oblivious to this, until years later when I spoke to a mutual friend, after Jane had died. Jane lived the high life, she was the heiress to a family that owned about 15 gas stations. She lived out of her means too, but on the river of denial. Jane was a fun first roommate, she was either passed out on the couch, or wanted to go shopping. She was older, but not a mother figure. We had some good times, but looking back on it now I probably could have saved Jane's life. I was so young and so naive, though.

At this time of transition, I was juggling several boyfriends. I had one in the town where the summer camp was, I had old faithful who would always be there, I had Jacques in the fall before he left, and I had the bar owner with crabs. I am really lucky that crabs were the only STD that I came in contact with during that time of being young and stupid.


Stay tuned for more..... i like it so far