Down right Despondent and Depressed

Oh how can I go on? How can I get up every freaking day for the next 23 days of school and be happy and cheery and want to help my students who struggle? Why did this burden get placed upon me? Why me?
I have been thinking about this for several days now. I was fired or let go because I stood up for something I believed in, homework. I have homework every night, I fold laundry, I get out of bed on time, I get forms and faxes where they need to be in a timely manner, and I pay my bills on time. How could my students become "productive members of society" without homework?
I go into work each day and face each challenge that is handed to me. I complain a little, but I get the job done, I do what I feel is in the best interest of my students. I have not bitten a student, I have not snuck out of the building, and I am not a terrible teacher.
This totally sucks; I always thought I would be a teacher, now not so much. I am anxious about staying home next year. Do I write my book? Do I find part time work at Wal-Mart?
Today was my breaking point. The teachers in my wing do not have a cohesive planning time, therefore there were 4 projects that are due or were due this week and next. I have kids who are in the general population that have had up to 4 projects due, talk about homework. Most all of my prep time is spent helping students complete said assignments because these kids lack that support at home. I do not want ANYONE to tell me I was not here for my kids, I do not want ANYONE to tell me that I have not bent over backwards to see that ALL of my students did not pass the 7th grade.
I am sad, I am sad that my administration cannot see what I do on a daily basis, that I am by no means a martyr but I have been there this whole year and all of last year to see to it that NO ONE fell behind.
I think of Horton who no one believed, I think of how he did and he got up every day to search through those small specks of dust to find the Whos when they were lost. I do this every day. I search and search hoping to save just one little who.
I am sad because when I became a teacher I was going to "have an impact" on students. They were going to become better because of me and what I had to teach.
I cannot wait for these next 22 days to be over.

New Adventures

Once upon a time, my house was clean, my kids were well behaved, I had dinner on the table on time, and I was able to sleep every night. Then I decided to have more kids and that changed everything. In a few weeks we will never have more kids because my husband has elected to go in and have surgery. I pushed for this, but I am also sad. I love babies, they are so sweet, so needy, and they are only little for a short time. In July our middle daughter turns 4 and in August the baby turns 2. It has been a joyous ride, and my adventures with cloth diapers and baby wearing are almost over. Just recently I weaned the Danger Hawk, and I still feel like I am missing something, even though my nights of almost uninterrupted sleep are blissful.
I came from a tiny family, and was jealous of those "good Catholic" families growing up, that had a million kids running around. I wanted a big family, but as time goes on and I get older, I do not know if I could do childbirth again. I do not know if I could do 3am feedings again. The last baby was very trying on my patience as well as my relationship with my husband and the rest of my family. As I sit here contemplating the next few weeks, I am sad, but in the not too distant past I remember how trying that last baby was and how blessed we are to have what we have.

Really, Honey? Really?

Dear Anti Hippie,

I am just a little stressed right now. I lost my job, remember that? I left this morning and you were still in bed, I understand the night before you were working and did not get much sleep. I left early for work because I have several students in regular education classes with HUGE projects due this week. NOT ONE teacher has made accomidations on these HUGE PROJECTS. I fieled phone calls from parents all weekend about said projects, I got "talked" to by a fellow co-worker about a student whose parents "helped" him. WELL pardon the fuck out of me but he needed to get the stupid report and term paper completed, especially since he was absent last week.

So when I come home and I am pissed off because you went to the local IGA and bought groceries with out talking to me about what we need, I tend to get the right to be pissed. You bought 6 bottles of juice, we had 6 already in the pantry, you bought 4 more bags of coffee, we had 3 in the pantry, you did not buy the bread we needed, yeah I am just a little pissed and justly so. Now you are fixing dinner and asking me where the pots are? Really?

I appriciate all of your help and hard work, but sometimes you make my already stressful job more stress filled!

This Sucks

So they say that one bad apple ruins the bunch, well that is true my dear reader. I got fired this week, I get to finish out the school year, but I got fired.
Let me start from the beginning. Two years ago I graduated with a Master's Degree in Education. From my previous posts you know how difficult, yet rewarding this was. So I took a job, the first job that came my way. The job sucked, see my previous posts from 2009, but I got my foot in the door. When I ended that school year my cool supervisor told me she knew I did not fit in where I worked but that she talked to so and so and that she found me a place where I fit, right in my back yard.
Last year I started the school year off on maternity leave, but none the less when I came back I was the BEST teacher that I could be. In fact I think I knocked their socks off, because some co-workers told me I did.
At the end of last year my teaching assistant did something that pissed me off, she corrected me in front of my students for the fourth time. I was pissed, but I just ignored her for a while and thought she got the hint. See, she is way older than I am, she is old enough to be my mother. So there is this "respect your elders" sort of thing going on. I did not really tell her I was pissed, I just was really cool towards her, I still bragged about how great she was but I was upset. See you never undermine a supervisor, no matter if they are wrong or not.
So as the school year came to a close and we consolidated with the neighboring school district, we got our new assignments. I would be looping with some of the students that I had taught the year before and I would be teaching with Mrs. Tattle Tale down the hall. We would be splitting up the seventh grade case load.
As the summer ended I moved into my new classroom and told Mrs. Tattle Tale that she could have the teaching assistant the majority of the time and that we could share her during study hall.
The school year started and I thought things were rolling along just fine. I had a great group of kids and I felt that they were meeting all the challenges of the seventh grade. In late September I was called into my bosses office (not the principal) and was told that I should not be giving homework to special educational students. They had enough pressures and that homework was unnecessary. Albeit that my homework was a way for them to review for their spelling and vocabulary tests, but none the less I stopped just as I was directed to. After school one day I sort of bitched about it to a group of teachers, Mrs. Tattle Tale being one of the teachers, and I said what am I supposed to do "wipe their asses too?" Mrs. Tattle Tale got right in my face with her finger and in her crying whiny voice said "I take offense to that because I have special education children of my own." Her own flesh and blood are special education students, but they are in 5th grade, not seventh. She must have then gone to my supervisor to tattle on me, because in a moment fine readers you will understand my motive for posting such a long winded story.
Fast forward to January, after many snow days it was time for my yearly evaluation. My Supervisor (I have a few choice names, but now is not the time), came in to evaluate me and in my post evaluation conference she told me that my face is very expressive and she can tell when I do not like a student. She also told me that I need to work on my voice, that I talk really fast (as do most people who are nervous). It was also expressed in my evaluation that I did not get along well with co-workers. Ok, that being said I brought my evaluation home and let the Anti-Hippie go over it. He said that everything that was 'wrong' with my evaluation was contradicted in the next part. I was not worried. I would work on my voice and letting my face show how I was feeling.
In late January I was evaluated by my principal, he told me I am a great teacher, and that experience would make me better. All in all a wonderful evaluation. I am only a second year teacher, I know that I am not proficient in any area.
In early February I was again evaluated by my Supervisor. Last week after an IEP meeting I was asked by said Supervisor to stay after so that she could go over my evaluation. I agreed because I obviously did not know what was coming.
As we are going over the evaluation, she again comes to the part about me not getting along with co-workers, I then said do not beat around the bush, is this about my co-worker Mrs. Tattle Tale? She told me it was, I then explained that Mrs. Tattle Tale set me up a few times this year and she is not sharing our teaching assistant. A note was made in the evaluation and as she got to the last line she said "and it is with this evaluation that I am recommending to the board that you not be hire next year."
WTF? I am the THIRD person that Mrs. Tattle Tale has gotten fired, I am a DAMN good teacher, and REALLY.?

That my dear reader is why this SUCKS.
On a side note, some parents have found out about this and they are pissed, my principal is PISSED, and everyone of my co-workers besides Mrs. Tattle Tale and teacher assistant ARE PISSED. Look out because KARMA is a bitch!

EPIC Fail

Today, our wonderful school system failed some of our future generation. I teach junior high special education, so really I not only teach but I am a mother, a nurse, and a counselor. I have had this one student I will call him Slacker, who is a royal pain in my a**. He is always getting in fights, he is always bullying other students, and he make poor choices. His mother blames and blames for all of his problems, "it is the other kids", "his teachers do not like him", blah, blah, freaking blah. He never, EVER takes home homework, and if he does he fails to bring it back. He is a student, that needs some serious mental health counseling. He needs a strong male role model to show him the way. He would also benefit from a swift kick in the butt. Anytime something does not go his way, he becomes insubordinate, he fights authority and has utter disrespect for the rules. We (my team) recently discussed moving him to a behavioral class, mainly because of his behaviors. Monday he got in another fight on the bus, with a very loveable yet smelly young man. He got 10 days out of school suspension. He has been suspended or absent 35 of the 104 days we have been in school. He needs another placement.

The main reason for this post is to talk about Auto Mechanic. Auto Mechanic will never go on to a higher institution of learning, yet he is great with bikes, four wheelers, and even cars. My goal for him is to get him into a career program where he can get certified to work on motors, or cars, or something. I have a goal for this kid. I see promise in him, he got into a fight last week, his first fight this year. He was provoked by another student who, yes is very very annoying. He did some real damage to this student and sent him to the hospital. Now the student who was hospitalized did get hit in the head pretty good, and maybe just maybe suffered some temporary memory loss. But Auto Mechanic got an out of school suspension for 10 days. I had been hearing rumors all week that Auto Mechanic was going to be removed from my case load and placed into the school north of here, that is reserved for really BAD, BAD, dangerous students. This is his first fight of the school year, he has potential unlike Slacker student who is looking for the easy way out. WE failed Auto Mechanic, in a big way.
It is all I can do to focus on what I need to be focusing on right now, I feel like an utter failure, I failed, we failed, and this time we can't fix it. Auto Mechanic is going to go be with some really BAD kids, and I see this as a spiral and now Auto Mechanic has no reason to even try. WE FAILED.

Lettuce

I love to garden, that being said I traditionally plant lettuce on Valentine's Day. But alas, it really is to wet to plant anything, even in my containers which are nasty, yucky messes. So tonight I carried them up on to the back porch where hopefully they will thaw and drain so that later on this week I can plant me some lettuce!
I am also planning the garden for later on this spring. I have so many plans and good intentions, though with three kids my best laid plans sometimes take the back burner. I understand that winter is a part of the whole seasonal process and that winter winds and snow make for a more enjoyable spring and summer. But long about this time of year I become very anxious as I want to go out and play in the dirt!
On the "to do list" for this week, get some lettuce in the dirt!

I am Shellfish

For those of you familiar with the Junie B. Jones series of beginning chapter books, you will know that this means selfish, for those of you who are not familiar I highly recommend these as a read aloud, they are laugh out loud hilarious, but I digress.
I am being very shellfish right now, I want my body back, I want my bed back, and I want a normal relationship with my dearest Anit-Hippie. Looking back on it, I have nursed babies for over 72 months, not continually but as of lately I am going on 48 months of almost straight nursing. I want my breasts back. I love nursing, I love the sounds that babies make while they nurse, I love it when babies look up at you with that nourished look in their eyes, I love being the sole food source for babies for the first 8 months of their lives, but I want my boobies back. The current champion nurser, Danger Hawk, can almost one handed, get up my shirt and into the nursing cami. all by him self. He is currently at the stage where I am trying to wean him and he is protesting every minute of it. It does not help that he has been my sick kid, and nursing makes both he and I feel better.
Eddy, nursed until he was about 18 months old and one day he just did not want to anymore, there were other things to keep him occupied. Gnat, had to quit nursing because I became pregnant with Danger Hawk. Like I mentioned before, I am weaning so he only gets one or two chances a day to nurse, but he will hang on until I shut down operations, by pulling down my shirt and buttoning up the hatches.
I want my bed back, I think the whole idea of a family bed is a wonderful idea, it works for some and not for others. I have enjoyed having all three kids in my bed at one time or another. Currently Danger Hawk and I share the queen bed in my room, and Gnat and the Anti-Hippie share the twin bed upstairs in the kid's room. Gnat is a very anxious child, and she knows when you remove yourself from her bed, and she usually makes her way downstairs to our bed. Some parenting experts say that one should never share a bed, because it is too dangerous and because kids belong in their own beds. Whatever, I have enjoyed having my kids close to me and sharing snuggles and sleep with them. I want my bed back.
This however poses another problem, the problem of intimacy with my husband. Occasionally, we have relations in the early morn, while the peeps are still asleep, as we rarely share a bed anymore. Sometimes, albeit rare, we sneak off like teenagers while a dvd is playing or they are occupied. Other times we just make rain-check deals with one another. I want my husband back.
Children are in deed a blessing, I am blessed with three healthy children, sometimes they are not a blessing and I wish to be Shellfish.