Eddy Haskel is not the Anti Hippies' biological son. Before we got married the Anti Hippie and I discussed the adoption and felt it was the natural thing to do. Eddy did not know his biological father, and before he was two his biological father gave up parental rights and we had Eddy's last name changed to my last name. Eddy never questioned where is father was so it was never an issue for me.
The Anti Hippie and I thought that Eddy should come to the court house on the day of the adoption so that it would seem more formal in his little mind. Having never done this before I was unaware that the biological father's name would be mentioned throughout the court proceedings, several times. I worried myself sick on the way home from the courthouse about how many questions I would get from Eddy about said biological father. On the way home the boys found a turtle and all the questions never happened because of the turtle excitement. Several weeks later I sent out this email to friends and family as a script that they were supposed to follow if and when Eddy had questions.
Script:
A long time ago before Eddy Haskel was born Earthy Birthy Mama lived in Alaska, she had a baby there and his name was Eddy. Earthy Birthy Mama and Eddy lived in Alaska for a while. Earthy Birthy Mama was not being treated very nicely by a guy named Biological Father, who is Eddy's biological father. Earthy Birthy Mama called Crabby Patty and Red Green (her parents) and said that she wanted to leave and come live with them, because if Biological Father was not treating her right he probably would not treat baby Eddy very nicely either. So Crabby Patty and Red Green let Earthy Birthy Mama and Eddy live with them. Earthy Birthy Mama and Biological Father went to court and Biological Father left the court, because he did not like Eddy's Grandma Crabby Patty and Grandpa Red Green. Earthy Birthy Mama waited and waited until she met a really nice guy named the Anti Hippie. Earthy Birthy Mama and the Anti Hippie got married and the Anti Hippie became Eddy's dad when they adopted Eddy on June 14, 2006. The Anti Hippie is Eddy's Dad.
See, Eddy is a sneak and he could possibly blindside someone into giving out information that could quite possibly create a web of problems for me. So in my email I told friends and family to stick to the 'script' and if there were questions that they could not possibly answer that they should let me know and I would take care of the situation.
Everyone has been cool with the script thing, until tonight. Eddy was prying me for information, and I told him everything. I told him that I made mistakes, but he was not a mistake. I was mistreated and abused and that his biological father was not very nice. I even showed him pictures that I had been saving of what his Biological father looked like. I figured he would like me better in the long run if I was honest. We had a real frank conversation about my feelings on his biological father, and why I made choices. I made it clear that some of my choices were not right, or fair, or even legal, but they were my choices. I asked him if he had any questions and he wanted to know if I married the Anti Hippie because he was the opposite of his father? I told Eddy that the Anti Hippie respects me as a person, as a woman, as a partner, and loves me for who I am. The Anti-Hippie also loves Eddy with his whole heart as if he were Eddy's biological father and that is why we are so tough on him. That is why we expect him to be the best, because in our eyes he is the best. Eddy is the best mistake I ever made.
So being honest with Eddy tonight made me feel better. I feel like I have fewer skeletons in my closet, I feel like I don't have to be angry anymore about decisions that I made for the betterment of my family. It is time to let go of the anger I feel towards Biological Father and let Eddy become the person he is supposed to be, with the father that really truly loves him.
3 comments:
My oldest daughter had no contact with her father, for very similar reasons. When she was 15, she decided she wanted to meet him, and although I really loathed the thought of her having anything at all to do with him, I arranged for the meeting to take place. For a while, it was a nightmare, because she bought all the nonsense that he was feeding her.
However, now that she's older, she can see through him, and wants nothing to do with him, beyond visiting her siblings. She also developed a much better relationship with her stepfather - she realized that he was not "out to get her," but truly cared about her well being.
Like you, I waited until she was old enough to understand before I told her anything.
Wow, EBM! That was really great of you to be so open with Eddy. Whether he knows it now or not, you gave him a real gift. And I'm glad it made you feel better in the process :-)
The time was right to have that conversation with Eddy and you handled it well. Good for you! I'm sure it was very difficult at the time, but I can imagine the relief you feel now. You and the Anti-Hippie are great parents!
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